


Jupiter

by imnotbuck



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Cheating, Drinking, F/M, Heavy Angst, Host Clubs, Infidelity, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Minor Violence, Promiscuity, References to Depression, Sex Work, Sexual Content, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:27:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26961376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotbuck/pseuds/imnotbuck
Summary: Bucky Barnes is drowning in his own sorrows when his best friend Steve comes along, first as a life raft, then as an anchor.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers
Comments: 1
Kudos: 36





	Jupiter

**Author's Note:**

> please read the bottom note for warnings

“You wanted to be a singer,” Natasha mocked him. “Fame. It’s what you wanted, right?” 

“Yes.” 

He had been so childish back then. When he was younger he had the ability to dream and to hope, to think of what he wanted to be. The world seemed limitless and the possibilities were endless. He believed that even if one plan went wrong he would have another opportunity lined up for him.

In short, he was wrong. 

“You always look like a kicked puppy. You’re doing what you wanted to do so paste on a happy face or something.”  
  


“Sorry.”

“You’re going to make the customers upset. Remember- this business is all about keeping up the illusion of perfection- much like the music industry.” 

He tried his best not to shudder at the comparison and stood up. “Are they ready for me?” he asked quietly. 

“They’re always ready for you, Winter.”

-

And they were _always_ ready. Though there were other people in the room, the entire atmosphere got lighter when he walked in. Mostly because his smile could compete with the sun— or so he’d been told. He could paste on a smile better than most people because of all of that practice. 

“Winter!” A woman he knew simply as Hill called as soon as she set eyes on him. “I was wondering when you’d finally come.”

“I’m so glad that it’s you tonight Hill. I was worried that you wouldn’t be coming back anymore- it’s been such a long time.” He was extremely good at moving the conversation away from himself because it was what he practiced most. Just as coming there was their illusion, it was his as well. 

“I’ve been so busy lately because my company is..” He tuned her voice out and nodded at the appropriate times, feigning interest. It was so easy to pretend that he cared about those things, so simple to immerse himself into the lives of the people that found him to be an escape. 

_“We provide the illusion of perfection here. Let the customers believe that you belong solely to them and listen to their wants, give into their needs, be the one for them. You are their saviour- even just for a night.”_

It was depressing that someone like him— so completely lost in his own life— was someone’s saviour. How was he helping people when he himself needed help? Did it make sense? He didn’t think so. It was such an unfortunate life he had; constantly making people believe that there was happiness somewhere. He knew it was a blanket statement to think that there wasn’t happiness anywhere— all that he knew was that it sure as hell wasn’t with him and hadn't been for quite some time. It didn't look like it was coming back either.

“Winter you’re a good singer.” Another woman said from across the room. “Why don’t you sing too?” 

He smiled and stood up, walking over to the karaoke machine where another host held a microphone out for him. He looked through the song list until he found the one he loved the most. 

“ _I’m gonna marry the night, I won't give up on my life,”_

The women in the room squealed and began to sing along and he fed off of their excitement. It was so easy to ignore his surroundings and pretend like they were part of a crowd that had come just to hear him sing. There was some truth to his delusions— the women had come just to see him— but they hadn’t come to hear him sing his bubbly yet depressing songs. 

They came every night for something far more sinister and filthy than that. He knew because at the end of the night when they were drunk, one of them would want to take him home. Sometimes he remembered that he did have some willpower and fed his conscience but more often than not he put the small voice in a room within his mind and locked it away. The world moved on money and the money was good. Anyone could buy a conscience’s silence if they named the right price. 

“ _Then I'll go down to the bar but I won't cry anymore. I'll hold my whiskey up high, kiss the bartender twice– I’m a loser!”_

They were, in a way, the roaring crowd that he had longed for. He had learned to accept that it was as close as he was getting to the original dream he’d had. It was easier to believe that dreams couldn’t come true than to accept the fact that he really hadn’t tried all that hard to make things work.

“You should’ve been a singer.” A woman slurred, “You’re so good!”

He smiled and did an exaggerated bow for her. “I’m average but thank you sugar. You’re so pretty, you should’ve been a model!”

“You flatter me.”

“Come on sugar. Tell me about your job!”

“Are you still interested in that? It’s so _boring_ , much less interesting than what you do.” But she began to speak anyway. He always counted on them to talk about their ‘boring’ lives. It gave him such a nice distraction when he decided to pay attention. 

Sometimes when he listened to their stories he would fade away until there was a distinct difference between Winter and Bucky. But it was easier to just forget that Winter and Bucky weren’t the same person. To face the problem would make him a courageous person which was the exact opposite of the truth.

-

Smoke wisped out into the night sky as he kicked the pavement in front of him. He liked watching the end of the cigarette light up, the flame latching onto the paper and beginning to burn. Of course that was only when other people smoked. When it came time for him to light up he couldn’t care less about the process— he just wanted the fix. 

He’d practiced how to do many different things with the smoke that came from the cigarette— blow smoke out of his nose like a dragon, make smoke rings— and it impressed some of the rookie hosts. The rookies were the type that just came outside to be with the more experienced hosts and try their best to mingle with them, to make friends in a business that was pure competition. 

It was cute, really. 

He’d long since past being a rookie host. It had been years since he’d been wide eyed and apprehensive about being part of the elusive nightlife business. It made him depressed to think that he was so used to it all. There had been a time when he separated his real life from his job and was ashamed of what he did. By then he was just complacent and everything was routine; if he let it all bother him he'd drive himself to a nervous breakdown. 

“Bucky!” He looked up in the direction of the voice and saw another host— Pietro— running toward him waving a white envelope. “Madame Romanov told me that you forgot to take your pay. I managed to get her to give it to me to give to you!”

“You shouldn’t call her that.” Bucky said grimly and took the envelope from Pietro’s hands. 

Pietro was only eighteen and really shouldn’t have been anywhere near a host club. Pietro had automatically fallen under his wing as soon as he’d gotten to the club and hadn’t left him alone since the first time they’d laid eyes on each other. Pietro was the closest thing he had to a friend in that place. 

“But she’s the head of the club, I have to show her respect.” He said it as if it were basic knowledge.

“Don’t give her any other reasons to have such a big head by being so formal and obedient,” he said and took another drag. “She doesn't deserve shit all.” Bucky said then sighed and leaned against the wall silently. The rest of the hosts took their leave but he had nowhere to go so early in the night; his job was done but he didn’t feel like going home. 

“Hey Bucky?”

“Shouldn’t you be calling me ‘Winter’ like everyone else?”

“I shouldn’t give you any other reasons to have such a big head.” Bucky couldn’t help but chuckle at his saucy tone. It wasn’t in the right context but Pietro was cute enough to make the cheeky insult stick.

“What did you want?”

“Can I try a cigarette? I’ve never had one before.”

“And you never will.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Don’t curse— it’s unbecoming, dumbass.” Bucky threw the cigarette down and ground it into the pavement until there was only a smudge. “Smoking is bad for little boys like you.”

“Please. I’ve had my lips wrapped around worse.” Bucky’s lip curled because Pietro was like a little kid to him; he didn't want to hear about his sex life.

“Disgusting.”

“Maybe one day I’ll get to taste something a little bit bigger from you.” Pietro said playfully and Bucky put his hand on his chest.

“The scandal!” 

“Quicksilver! A customer is calling for you!” Pietro sighed and moved over to the door, walking inside. A few seconds later he stuck his head out and grinned. 

“Let’s take a rain check on this one, yeah?”

“Fine.”

“Go home and get some sleep— don’t hang around here when you’re off.”

“You shouldn’t boss your superior around.” 

Pietro winked cutely and blew him a kiss. “Love ya, now get out of here before I chase your ass all the way home.”

“Be a good boy and get to work.”

“Slave driver.”

“Goodbye sugarplum.” Pietro waved quickly and ran away, the door slamming shut behind him. Bucky liked the comfort that Pietro gave him but was all too used to the fact that he had to share him with others. It was wrong of him to get attached to someone at such a place but he didn’t really have a choice. Pietro was bright and good and there was no escaping him. He felt terrible that Pietro was stuck there.

With a sigh, he shoved the envelope into his pocket and walked away. Leaving his work was the best and worst part of the day; the best because he didn’t have to sell himself and the worst because he had to go home to his tiny hole of an apartment. He hated it there but didn’t have much of a choice in the matter— it was the only thing he could really afford. 

He hated living like that, he really did, but he hated many things— all of which couldn’t be changed.

-

Bucky rarely saw himself. 

The only mirror in his house was long since broken and was haphazardly taped together with duct tape. He'd broken it after going home with his first client and hadn't bothered to get a new one because he didn't really want to see himself. He was terrified that one day he would look at his reflection and not recognize his own face. 

So instead of a mirror, there was a simple sketch of himself that his best friend, Steve, drew years ago. In the sketch he was grinning at Steve, exaggerated but genuine. It served as a reminder that he could be happy and it was possible to get back to how he was before.

But in all reality it was mostly a reminder of what he didn’t want to lose— that happiness that was only around when Steve was, maybe even Steve in general. The sketch was going on 10 years old but he still kept it because it was keeping the better parts of him, of them, alive. It was a sad way to live but it was better than seeing the disgusting mass of tangled lies and lost ambitions that he had become. 

Bucky ran his fingers through his wet hair, walking out of the bathroom and going directly to the bedroom. He was exhausted and his eyelids were too heavy to be kept open any longer. He fell down onto his bed and felt better once his head hit the pillow. The exhaustion he’d been feeling for days seemed to fall down on him all at once. 

Tomorrow was the start of a new month, meaning that it was time for him to face the music once more; the once a month phone call that determined his mood for four weeks until it could be changed once more. Part of him was still able to get excited about _the call_ but the rest of him was just saddened by it. He was the type that longed for independence but he was controlled by one very important call. It was pathetic but a bit sentimental in his case. 

_Soon, he_ thought to himself, _things will be better._

-

“You sound so busy.” Bucky said, trying to raise his voice so that Steve, on the other end of the line, could hear him. There was too much shuffling and movement on that end— it was more than a bit annoying. 

“Pardon?” Steve asked. Bucky ran his fingers through his hair and yanked slightly in an attempt to both wake himself up and stop him from chewing Steve out for being rude, or worse, from whining at Steve because he wanted his complete attention.

“I just said that you sound busy.” 

“Oh, yeah I am. I’m cleaning up a bit and it’s harder than I thought it would be. There’s so much stuff that I forgot that I had just lying around gathering dust.”

“You’re too scatterbrained to notice things like that.” 

“I’m not scatterbrained.” 

He couldn’t help but notice how awkward things were between them, the strain on their conversation. It bothered him but he knew that it was only natural; though their original plan was to contact each other every day, neither of them did or even attempted to.

“You’re doing okay, right?” Steve asked, suddenly serious. 

“Yes.”

“Do you need any money?” 

He closed his eyes and shook his head though Steve couldn't see the gesture. “No, I’m fine.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes Steve,” he snapped without meaning to. “I don’t need anything from you.”

“Alright. But you know I’m just a call away.” _The hell you are,_ he thought bitterly. Bucky heard the sound of a door opening and Steve laughed. “Peggy, you’re just coming in now?” 

_Peggy?_

“I have to go.” Bucky murmured into the phone, voice cracking slightly. 

“You could’ve come to pick me up at the airport.” A woman’s voice answered instead of Steve. Bucky’s blood went cold and his heart threatened to stop. He hung up without bothering to wait for a proper goodbye.

There were tears in his eyes, tears that wouldn’t disappear no matter how much he blinked. He put his phone down on the ground and turned on his side so that he was facing the wall. Their calls usually lasted for much longer and had some sort of substance, some sort of meaning. That was why they determined his moods. But that time, he wasn’t entirely surprised. It had been a while since they’d last spoken so naturally they didn’t have much to say- more like they didn’t know _what_ to say. Bucky hated that the two of them had lost touch in the worst of ways. 

In a way, losing touch with people that you had once been close with was kind of growing up. Steve was his childhood, his happiness, his light, his imagination, and everything else that could no longer be housed in his body. All of those things were clutter to him, all of that disgusting fluff, and Steve had taken it for safekeeping. He kept it alive and cherished it when Bucky refused to. 

He couldn’t help but wonder if the things that Steve was getting rid of belonged to him. 

_Whatever_ , he thought bitterly, _everyone changes, everyone moves on, it’s the nature of things. Nothing to be upset about._

What was more natural; the need to discard or the fear of being discarded? 

Bucky got out of bed and walked out of his room, moving toward the kitchen. Though he wasn’t hungry- his stomach had turned- he knew that he should at least eat something small. He had a full night of work ahead of him and he couldn’t pass out in the middle of a party. That would ruin the mood for sure. 

He opened his nearly empty refrigerator and grabbed some leftover pizza, not bothering to heat it up before he dove in. It tasted disgusting but then again most things did. He blinked tiredly as he finished and grabbed a cup, filling it with water. 

_Snap out of it,_ he scolded himself, _you can’t just lie down and die because he wasn’t giving you all of his attention._

No matter what he did, he couldn’t shake off the sinking feeling of being abandoned.

-

“Do you sleep with them?” Pietro’s curious voice cut through the dense cigarette smoke, capturing his attention. 

“Pardon?”

“Do you sleep with the customers? You know, the women and men that like to flirt with you. Do you ever go home with them?” 

The two of them were on break, Bucky standing against the wall smoking and Pietro sitting down on the pavement against his advice. He had secretly been wondering when that question would come up between them and had actually been dreading it. He didn’t want to tell Pietro about the darkest area of his life, the place that no one was allowed to visit but him. 

“Have you?” Bucky asked softly. 

“No.” 

“Don’t ever do it. Once you start, you can never stop.”

“Bucky..”

“It’s cold out here tonight.” 

“I didn’t notice.” The uneasiness that was in Pietro’s voice from before had vanished, replaced by a friendly and playful tone. He masked his sigh of relief in the smoke that clouded around him. “Maybe you’re getting too old to stand out here.”

“My oh my that type of slander will land you in big trouble.”

“I bet.” Bucky blew a smoke ring and watched as it slowly fell apart in the night air. The door to the club opened and a host named Clint walked out. 

“You two were called by a group of customers.”

“Thanks for telling us.” Bucky said shortly. 

“Natasha said to get some expensive wine from the storage room and go straight to room six. But uh.. be careful.”

“Why?”

“It’s a group of suits.” 

In his opinion, suits were the worst. They were manly men that went there purely for the escape of their daily lives- the actual escape was demeaning the ‘pretty boys’ that worked there. Bucky had been assaulted by men a few more times than he would have liked to admit and all of them were from big corporations. He hated having to entertain those men; he would’ve rather pulled his fingernails out one by one. 

“Let’s get going then.” 

-

Bucky handed Pietro the wine glasses and grabbed a few bottles of the most expensive wine that he could find before the two of them walked out. He wasn’t very excited about what he was about to do but he didn’t have much of a choice. Customers were customers and he couldn’t pick and choose the people that he served. He just hoped that the men wouldn’t be too harsh with Pietro. 

The two of them walked into the private room and he inspected the people he was tasked with entertaining. They were handsome but not anything special, just slightly better than average- nothing he hadn’t seen before. 

“Ah so you two are Quicksilver and Winter.” One of the men said, a lazy grin curling his lips. “We’ve been hearing so much about you, it’s nice to see that you lived up to our expectations.”

“You’re too kind.” Bucky said in a flirtatious tone. “But it’s unfortunate that you’ve heard so much about us yet we know so little about you.” 

“Well then let’s take some time to get to know each other.”

It took only 30 minutes for the men to fall head over heels for Pietro and Bucky. The two of them were experts at flirting and taking control of the situations that they were in so it really was no problem to dominate the men but make them think that they were stronger. That was one of the many things he didn’t understand about the human mind. Why were people so invested in their own power that they failed to see that someone else was pulling their strings? 

“So you’re a singer?” A man named Brock asked. Brock had been trying to get his attention since he’d walked into the room and he was getting a bit annoyed. Why wasn’t the man taking a hint? 

“Not really.”

“What are you talking about?” Pietro chimed in from beside one of the men, an eager smile on his face. “You have one of the best voices I’ve ever heard.” He tried his best not to glare at him. 

“I wouldn’t say that I’m a singer- it’s just a hobby.” 

“Why don’t you sing something for us Winter?” 

He smiled as best he could and stood up, making his way toward the karaoke machine. “What should I sing?” Just as he was about to pick up the microphone the door to the room opened and a head peeked through. 

“Sorry I’m so late, you know how work is.” 

_No._

Bucky could hear his heart beating in his ears, his pulse racing erratically. He was suddenly waist deep in quicksand- completely trapped and sinking faster with every breath. He blinked rapidly in the hopes that the person standing in the doorway was a figment of his imagination. His hope was crushed into millions of pieces after a few minutes of blinding idiocy. 

He wasn’t imagining things, not at all. 

Steve was really there. 

-

Steve.

The name belonged to a person that couldn’t be explained properly because no words did him justice. No matter how hard anyone tried to match words to the man they failed. He was more of a person that could be described in an ancient language that was rich in history and beauty, a language that wasn’t translated into anything else- a dead language that kept all of it’s secrets. In Bucky’s eyes, that was Steve. 

Steve was embedded deeply in his happiest memories and had consoled him during his darkest times; Steve was his best friend and had been since they were children. They had met when Bucky’s family was visiting a beach in New Jersey and had hit off then. Steve had moved to Brooklyn shortly after and their friendship blossomed. No one had expected them to stay friends for as long as they did but they always were a pair that beat expectations. 

4 years ago Steve decided to move to Manhattan for a job opportunity. Though Bucky had stayed in Brooklyn, the two of them made plans to call each other every day to keep their friendship alive. But every day turned into every other day, then every week, then every other week, and finally once every month. Their promise to remain close- to be friends forever- was quickly approaching its expiration date. Even the greatest thing stood the chance of being forgotten in time, he knew that by heart. 

It was difficult for Bucky to see Steve because it had been so long since they’d seen each other’s faces. He had almost forgotten how gorgeous Steve was, how special each and every single one of his features was and how well they fit together. 

Meeting like that was painful and cruel, the punchline to a cosmic joke. And despite his fear of Steve finding out about his secret life, of seeing Steve’s gentle eyes turn cold- he couldn’t hide the fact that he was just the slightest bit excited to see him. 

-

Bucky walked out of the club through the service entrance without bothering to look back. He took his lighter and a cigarette out of his pocket, putting it in his mouth and lighting it with shaking hands. Bucky hadn’t been able to calm down for over an hour- not since he’d seen Steve. It was impossible to breathe or think straight, his mind was racing faster than a sports car. 

“Bucky!” _No. That’s not me_ , he screamed inside, _not right now._ “Bucky!” Steve’s shouts broke the quiet night and made him quicken his pace. “I know that you can hear me so stop!” He tried extremely hard to ignore the man’s angry shouts but it proved pointless in the end. It was _all_ that he could hear. 

“Bucky for the love of god- just stop running!” 

But he couldn’t. There was no way that he, the coward, could stop and face his problems head on. His legs were on autopilot and his brain was switched off, making it impossible for him to stop moving. Fingers curled around his arm and dragged him to a stop but he still didn’t turn around. 

“What the hell is this?” Steve semi-growled. “What are you doing here?”

“Trying to leave.”

“I’m not in the mood for your sarcasm right now.” 

“Who says that I’m being sarcastic?”

“Tell me that I’m dreaming.”

“Wouldn’t this be more of a nightmare?” Bucky said in an attempt to diffuse the pain lingering around them.

“Why are you at a host club? Why are you dressed like one of _them_?”

“I think you’re on the way to answering your own questions.” A horrible silence passed between them. “You’re supposed to be in Manhattan.” 

“And you’re supposed to be in school.” _Some plans don’t work out the way we want them to._ The pain that came with the mention of his failed ambitions was almost too much for him. 

“It’s late and I’m a bit tired so can we do this another time?”

“Tell me the truth.” 

“That was the truth.” He was testing his patience and he knew it but there were no other options for him. He had to distract Steve, deter him from the answers that he was already lusting after. 

“Please?” 

“Don’t make me say it.” He had worked hard to hide the fact that he was a host from Steve for so long that he had forgotten that preparing himself for the possibility of being found out was important. Bucky was completely defenseless at that point. 

“You can’t be serious.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“You… you told me that you were doing fine.” Steve sounded heartbroken.

“And I am.”

“How in the world is this doing fine? Y-You’re a _host_.” The way Steve said the word- as if it was disgusting- made his blood boil. “How can you do something like this? You had dreams and goals, Bucky. You were in university and doing so well-”

“- shut the fuck up.” he growled and yanked his arm away. “Don’t you dare do this to me.”

Steve had the decency to at least look confused. “Do what?”

“Suddenly show up and try to judge me. The way I’m living is none of your business.”

“How is this none of my business?” 

_You haven’t been around for years so you have no right to tell me what I’m doing wrong,_ Bucky hoped his facial expression said for him. “It’s my life- I can do whatever I want with it.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it doesn’t matter.” 

“It doesn’t matter?” Steve’s voice was venomous and full of outrage. 

“This is just a job,” he said, justifying himself even though he didn’t have to. He always found himself going against his instincts and trying to smooth things over, especially when it came to dealing with Steve’s righteous anger.

“If you’re doing this because you needed money, you could’ve just asked me for it and not started selling yourself.”

“You’re making me sound like a prostitute.”

“Isn’t that the next step?” 

It surprised him to know that Steve had switched moods so quickly. He had changed so much in four years. That shouldn’t have been shocking to him but it still managed to be. The two of them were both so different- four years ago he wouldn’t have been able to imagine himself fighting with Steve. They were too alike to have any differences. 

Times had changed even more than he’d once believed. 

“I’m leaving.”

“Not until we talk this out.” 

“Screw you,” Bucky spat the words at him. Steve's hand flew out and caught him across the face, catching him completely off guard. His eyes widened and he looked back at him, finding his face a mask of complicated emotions. 

“Get your damn head on straight!” He blinked in shock and tried to collect his thoughts. “It would be nice if you thought about your actions for once in your life.”

“Not everyone can be the meticulous Steve,” he growled. “Someone has to be the reckless Bucky.” 

The man’s eyes burned with rage and he took a step forward in order to grab him by the collar. “Maybe I should smack some sense into you because you obviously need it.”

In that moment they began a fight that would never end. Each hit they got on each other was like ice being sculpted, chunks flying off in every direction until there was a sculpted shape left. But the shape was uneven and jagged and could never be properly restored. They both knew that and still they fought.

-

Bucky was much too aware of Steve’s presence beside him. The warmth that radiated off of the man was like an open flame– strong and burning. Even when the mood between them was cold the man would never cool down. He hated that so very much.

“I’m sorry I hit you,” Steve murmured after hours of silence. “I’m really sorry.”

“I’m not.” 

“Still angry?” Bucky sighed and angled himself differently so that no part of him was touching Steve. On such a small bed in such a small room it was difficult to avoid contact. “Buck,”

“Go home.”

“There’s going to be a bruise on your cheekbone.” Steve said, ignoring him completely. “Sorry.”

“Go.”

“Maybe you should put something on it so that it won’t be so bad when you wake up,” he said and leaned forward, fingers hovering over his cheek. “I hope it doesn’t stay for too long-”

“- stop it.” He couldn’t get any further away from Steve– his back was right against the wall– and was tired of being so close to him, tired of being ignored and looked at. “I’ve had bruises before so stop fussing over me.” 

Something in Steve’s eyes was distant and remorseful, so very sad. Within them he saw the truth about why Steve was trying to get closer, trying to heal him, fussing over him obsessively. Sure he had had bruises before but they had never been caused by Steve- not even once. Bruises were just bruises; it didn't matter to him who'd given them, they were just marks. Steve didn't appear to share that opinion.

“I’m fine and it’s late so you should go home,” he tried his best to coax the man into leaving. “Go.” 

“I don’t want to,” Steve replied, sounding as bullheaded as usual.

Bucky groaned quietly and readjusted his position so that he was no longer looking at the man. “Why are you here and not in Manhattan?” he finally asked after a little while, curiousity getting the best of him.

“Business.” The answer seemed far too rushed. 

“I thought business in Brooklyn was dead.” That was why he'd moved to Manhattan in the first place.

“Things are picking back up again I guess.” He had never really been good at lying- his voice always betrayed him. 

“Is that so.”

“Yes.” 

Bucky curled himself up into a ball, knees hugged to his chest and head down. Though he had lied to the man about being a host, he wasn’t comfortable with being lied to; that was human nature, to feel the need to lie but hate being lied to. 

“I didn’t expect to see you.” Steve babbled. “Not there- I’m glad to see you though.” It certainly felt like it when Steve was yelling at him and hitting him, judging him when he had no business doing so. “Are you.. glad to see me?”

“The last train back to the main station is leaving soon. You should be on it.”

“I’m not going back to Manhattan tonight.”

“How long are you going to be here?”

“I’m not sure.” So that was it; Steve was going to stay for however long he wanted and leave one day. Bucky was a pitstop on the way to better things.

“My apartment is tiny.” Bucky said and tried to disguise how annoyed he was.

“I’m not that big.” Steve offered.

“I’m rarely here.”

“I have business to do, remember?” He bit his lip and closed his eyes for a few seconds. 

“There’s only one bed.”

“We’ve always been good at sharing.” 

“You.. can stay here if you want.” 

Steve beamed at him and he could only sigh. How was it that Steve could always get what he wanted? He knew how to manipulate his heart in whatever way he wanted. 

“Thanks, Buck.”

-

Two weeks passed by and Steve had yet to leave him. Neither one of them saw each other until late at night when Bucky came home from work. Steve was always waiting for him with something cooked and ready; it was becoming a bit of a habit. He found himself expecting Steve to be there whenever he got back.

It had taken forever to get used to the fact that Steve was barely around and seeing his hard work washed away got on his nerves. 

Being happy in a world that he had convinced himself was full of sadness was an interesting sensation; one that he wasn’t very used to. There was a part of him that was all too willing to give in and accept that happiness, to soak it up while he could, but the part of him that kept reminding him that it wasn’t permanent couldn’t be silenced. It was better that he listened to the latter because that way he would never be surprised when the good in his life turned bad. 

-

_“You’re so gorgeous Winter. How about you let me take you out tonight? I’ll show you things that you’ve never seen before.”_ He shuddered as he walked into the apartment, sliding off his shoes. Pietro was his normal partner but had been off that night and he’d been forced to entertain an entire party of men- all of them had hit on him without fail.

After having so many different people touching him and looking at him, he felt disgusting. 

“I know.” Steve’s voice came flowing through the empty apartment as he walked toward the bedroom. “I’m coming back soon, just wait a bit more.” He opened the door and discovered the man talking on the phone, his back to him. “I just have a few more things to take care of. I don’t know how long I’m going to be away- I’ll be back before you’re finished planning things.” 

_Planning things?_

“Will you feel better if I promise you, Peg?” Bucky blinked in surprise and stumbled forward. The door fell open and hit against the wall, Steve turning around and seeing him. “I have to go- love you too.”

_Love?_

“Hey Bucky. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you anything to eat today- I had to make a call.”

“Business, right?” he said through clenched teeth. Steve flinched at his tone and tried to smile. 

“How much did you hear?”

“It doesn’t really matter.”

“Yes it does. It’ll make it easier for me to tell you what’s going on.” Steve said calmly. Bucky was anything but calm.

“I don’t want to hear it.” 

“Bucky.”

“I had a long day and I’m really not coherent enough to listen.” He walked over to his closet and began to undress himself slowly in hopes that Steve would leave the room. 

“The person I was talking to- her name is Peggy Carter. She’s great and sweet, I think you’d like her.” Steve was quiet for a few minutes. “She’s my fiancee.” Bucky’s hands froze on a button and he inhaled sharply, painfully. “We uh.. we met a few years ago- when I was still living here, actually- and hit it off immediately.” 

Bucky's head filled with white noise so loud it hurt. It reminded him of snow filling the screen on a broken television set.

“We’ve been together for almost five years now and I only just got the courage to propose to her- you always did say that I waited too long to do things.” It was painful to know that his words could be turned on him so quickly. “You should be proud of me for finally listening to your advice.” He wanted Steve to stop talking more than anything. _“_ Bucky your face is turning green.”

“Are you done?”

“Well.. no.”

“What else do you have to say? I’m exhausted and I just want to sleep.” 

“I have two things to ask you.” He regained the ability to move and began to take off his uniform. “Will you listen to them?”

“Does it look like I’m covering my ears?”

“Thank you for being so cooperative.” Steve said dryly before continuing. “First thing: I was wondering if you’d like to go- as my best man.” 

His hands fumbled again. He threw his uniform onto the floor of his closet and grabbed sweat pants and a t-shirt. He changed slowly and occupied a few more minutes with folding the uniform that he’d just thrown. 

“The wedding is in London so it’ll be a bit of a trip but I can’t imagine anyone else but my best friend being my best man.” 

“What’s the second thing?” He wanted desperately for it to be less horrible, less of a punishment for being an absentee in his friend’s life. That was why it was happening after all– a punishment for not trying hard enough to be part of Steve’s ever-flourishing life. 

“Would you mind singing at the wedding?” 

He turned sharply and glared at the man. “ _What_?”

“You’re an amazing singer Buck, I’ve never heard anyone that’s better than you.” 

“I don’t sing anymore.”

“Don’t you sing every night?” It was a direct hit that felt like a blade being jammed between his ribs. “I just want to make the wedding as special as possible-”

“- I do not sing anymore, Steve.”

“Couldn’t you just come out of retirement for one night?”

“No.”

“One song?”

“What song did you have in mind?” 

“Smoke gets in your eyes.” Despite the fact that he knew that Steve would want him to sing that song, it still bothered him. It was the first song that he’d ever learned to sing, his favourite song in the world, and was associated with happy moments that they had spent together. 

He was not going to be responsible for that song being given to Peggy. 

“Hire someone to sing it because I’m not going to.” 

“Bucky.” Steve whined. “Please?”

“When is the fucking wedding?” 

“In 2 months.” 

“ _She_ wants you back in Manhattan and I don’t want you here so you better get moving.” He moved to walk past the man but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder. 

“I’m not leaving here until I convince you to come to the wedding.” A vicious plan was slowly hatching in his mind thanks to the man’s words; he wanted to keep Steve there long enough that he missed his own wedding.

  
  


-

“You look like hell.” Pietro said and pushed on his shoulder a few times. “What’s going on?”

“There’s a parasite clinging onto me for dear life.”

“Please tell me that you’re not talking about me. If you are I might just break down and cry.”

“It’s not you, trust me on that.”

One week had passed since Steve had told him the truth and his life was ten times harder than it was before. The truth hadn’t set either of them free, it had become shackles. Neither one of them knew how to act around each other anymore. Steve treated him like he was a grenade that he had just removed the pin from and he treated Steve like he was a ghost, unseen and unheard. 

“Who is it?”

“Some asshole.”

“Is it the same asshole that brought you dinner that one night?” Bucky remained quiet. “Does he want to be your boyfriend?”

“Boyfriend?” he snorted at the thought. “Yeah right; he’s as straight as the road.”

“The road is bumpy and curved.”

“You get what I mean.” 

“Why was he at a party that requested male hosts if he didn’t want the d?”

“I never asked.”

“He’d be crazy not to want some after being around you for so long,” Pietro said.

“That’s sweet, but he already has someone. A girl.” A dark look crossed over Pietro's normally bright features. “What?”

“That seems kind of sneaky.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t even know.. It just seems weird, that’s all.” Pietro said and crossed his arms over his chest. “Be careful around him.”

Bucky was at a loss for words. Be careful around _Steve_? It was a foreign concept to him- if anyone needed to be careful between the two of them, it was Steve. Steve wasn’t someone to be worried about or even thought of negatively. He never had been and couldn't imagine him ever being that way.

“I will.” But he knew that being careful around Steve was only a waste of time. If there was a possibility of one of them getting hurt it sure as hell wasn’t him. 

-

Sleep was an acquired taste in the Barnes family and always had been- or at least it was for Bucky. Steve remembered that fact clearly because Bucky’s insomnia had been the source of some of his fondest memories from their childhood. He remembered that Bucky used to have vivid nightmares that made it impossible for him to keep his eyes closed at night. Steve used to have sleepovers at Bucky’s house and the two of them would stay up all night because of his fear of having a nightmare. 

Apparently Bucky had found a different solution to his problem: staying out all night. But that solution had passed off his nightmares onto Steve. 

It was almost three in the morning and Steve had yet to go to sleep because of the fact that Bucky wasn’t back yet. He was worried about him- terrified about what he was doing. Was he hurt? Was he safe, wherever he was ? He knew that Bucky was at the host club but he didn’t know how everything was going and that was more than troubling. 

He hated feeling so helpless, so out of control. Steve was used to being in charge of the things that happened in his life and now that he was out of Manhattan he had lost all of that control. He had stepped into Bucky’s world and there was no leaving until he got what he’d come for in the first place: to give Bucky an invitation to his wedding and get his approval. 

Bucky’s approval meant the world to him. If his best friend didn’t support him on such an important day he knew that the entire day would be plagued with regrets. All that he wanted was to be able to marry the love of his life was no regrets at all. If that meant waiting for Bucky to come around, that’s what he would do. 

Steve sighed and got out of bed, walking out of the room and into the kitchen to get a glass of water. His stomach was in knots and he couldn’t manage to get himself to calm down. He could only think about Bucky entertaining a small group, their eyes raking over him and thinking unclean things about him.

_Just breathe. Breathe and go to your happy place._ He snorted at the ridiculous thought and tried to relax himself by thinking of the only thing that always managed to make him feel better: Peggy. 

Peggy Carter was the kindest and most beautiful woman that he had ever met. She had wide eyes that were constantly smiling, soft lips that were always ready to turn up into a smile, and long flowing brown hair that framed her face in the most perfect way. Everything about her– from her looks to her caring and generous personality– was something that he adored. 

He couldn’t find one flaw in her and was happy with being hers. When she’d said yes to his proposal she’d made him the happiest man in the world and remembering that feeling was all that he needed to calm down. She was everything that he’d ever needed, a physical manifestation of everything that he’d ever wanted. 

Steve ran his fingers through his hair and opened the refrigerator, grabbing a bottle of water and downing it in one large drink. He leaned against the counter and decided to wait there instead of going back to the empty bed in Bucky’s room. The bed was too cold when he was there alone and he didn’t enjoy the unwelcomed feeling he got when he was wrapped up in Bucky’s thin blankets by himself. 

-

“Your attitude hasn’t gotten any better.” His boss said as she counted the bills in her hand. Bucky hated when she decided to have a chat with him before giving him his pay. She was more negative and condescending than anyone that he had ever met; being around her was completely toxic. 

By that point he wasn’t sure which he preferred more, going home and hearing Steve’s sales pitch for his wedding or staying at work and being reprimanded. They both seemed like horrible options to him and he had trouble seeing which one was the lesser of all evils. 

“You keep depressing the customers that come in asking for you. Your reviews are plummeting- no one really cares much for the host that never smiles.”

“I’m still making money for you and that’s all that really matters, isn’t it?” She smiled at him and he felt his chest tightening. 

“James, let’s be honest with each other.” It was the first time that she had ever called him by his real name and he was frightened by it. “You act like this isn’t the place for you and like you hate it here- but no one is forcing you to stay.”

“What are you trying to say, Natasha?” He said in the most disrespectful tone that he could muster. Her smile brightened in response. 

“You never leave here because this is exactly what you want. You want to come in here every day and be around people that adore you because you want the attention- you crave that fake love that you get from those pathetic people.”

“You can think whatever you want, it doesn’t make it true.”

“I know that this isn’t your first choice because it isn’t anyone’s first choice- but it isn’t a last resort either. Leave if you want to, just know that you’re never going to get this kind of attention anywhere else. There are millions of starving artists with dreams just as desperate as yours and there aren’t any charities that call for public support for them.” 

“How are you always so lovely to be around?”

“Don’t let the _fame_ get to your head, superstar. Once you’re out of here you won’t have a fanclub to fall back on when things get tough.” 

“I don’t understand you sometimes.” 

“No one understands anyone, not usually. You're too caught up in your own drama to see anything or anyone else.” 

Bucky had always been a curious person when it came to other people. He often did small tests to help him understand the people around him- to see how they responded to certain things and reacted in given situations. He had wanted to major in behavioural psychology before he quit school and he couldn’t manage to shake those small habits. 

He understood what Natasha was saying on a level deeper than she had meant it. 

“Take your money and go home; you have circles under your eyes and it’s making you unattractive.” She said and placed a stack of money on the table in front of him. 

“Thanks a lot.” 

Bucky took the money and walked out of the office as quickly as he could, leaving the club immediately. The sky was a hazy pink colour, dawn. He stopped in the middle of the empty street and took a cigarette out of pocket, producing his silver lighter and lighting it up. He knew that he was just wasting time and doing so bothered him. 

Since when did he avoid going home? 

Even on the worst days– the days when he was disgusted with himself and wanted nothing more than to leave his entire life behind– he went home and found a sanctuary in his dark bedroom. Now that Steve was there, he found himself running away more often than not. He busied himself with small tasks that helped him avoid going back to the man. 

It made him angry to know that he was being chased out of his own home because Steve refused to leave.

_Doesn’t it make you feel sad, wanting to push your friend away because you’re jealous?_ he questioned himself, inner voice cruel and mocking. His eyes widened at the cruel thought and his cigarette hit against his bottom lip, slipping out of its place. There was absolutely no way that he was jealous- it wasn’t possible. So what if Steve had a fiancee and a steady job and people to fall back on? That didn’t matter to him at all. 

“This is ridiculous,” he said to himself and threw his cigarette to the ground, grinding it into the pavement. “I’m not jealous and that’s my house- I shouldn’t have to run.” Bucky began to walk again but moved faster until he broke into a run. 

He wasn’t running toward home or toward Steve, he was running away from the realization that he’d made. In the corners of his mind there was a fact that he wanted to ignore; he wasn’t jealous of Steve’s life or accomplishments– he was jealous of not being there, right by his side, every step of the way. 

-

“Have you given any more thought to accepting my requests?” Steve asked innocently from the couch. Bucky turned the page in his magazine and pretended to be interested in the latest fashions. “Bucky.”

“Busy.”

“You can’t keep avoiding the subject.”

“I’m not avoiding anything.”

“Every time I bring it up you pretend that I haven’t even spoken.” _And yet you won’t take the hint,_ he thought angrily. Steve's bullheadedness was enough to test the patience of a saint.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” 

“Say that you’ll do it.” He hadn’t given his requests much thought; he hadn’t given them any thought at all, actually. But only because he already knew his answer, he wasn’t doing either of those things. It was pure selfishness and cruelty that forbade him to do anything for Steve when it came to his wedding and it was hate that made him want to destroy such a happy day. 

He wondered what made him turn out that way, but it was too grim to really investigate. “This magazine is outdated.” Steve said and took it out of his hand, throwing it across the room. “Now answer me.”

“I’m still thinking.” 

“How long does it take you to think?”

“I’m not as smart as you are so my brain doesn’t work nearly as fast.” He wrapped his arms around his legs and tried to make himself as small as possible, as though that could make him invisible and help him escape Steve's persistence. 

“You can be my something old?” Steve offered. The ghost of a smile threatened to appear on his face and he looked down, ignoring it.

“I’m younger than you.”

“My something new then?”

“You’ve had me for forever– that’s hardly new.” 

“Then be my something blue because of your state of constant angst.” He knew that Steve was joking around but his words had truth to them and it hurt him. Bucky suddenly felt like he was being smothered, like the oxygen in the room had been cut off. “My wedding won’t be right without you there.”

“If there’s a woman walking towards you in a white dress, it’ll be fine.”

“You should be there right by my side.”

“I don’t see why you’re so convinced that I matter so much.”

“You’re my–” If he heard Steve say best friend one more time he'd implode.

“– just drop it for tonight. I’m too tired to think and I really don’t feel like arguing with you right now.”

“So don’t argue, just agree.”

“You’re awful sometimes.”

“But you love me.” Bucky struggled to come up with a snappy retort.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” 

“Bucky, what can I do to make you say yes? I’m running out of time and I’m desperate for you to stand by my side again.” The severity of the man’s words shocked him into silence. How could Steve go from joking to serious in a few seconds? “What can I do?”

“Let me think.”

“Haven’t you thought enough?”

“No I haven’t and you should respect that.” In an instant, Steve was kneeling in front of him. He placed his hand on Bucky’s cheek and Bucky watched his doe eyes fill up with sadness and anxiety. The weight and warmth of his hand was like a brand being pressed into his skin.

“I’m trying to respect that,” Steve said sadly. “But I don’t want you to say no. My wedding won’t be complete without my best friend standing beside me and making me stronger.” The man’s hand was burning him in a way it never had before. “What can I do to convince you to say yes?” 

There was a feeling inside of him that he had never once acknowledged because of his cowardly fears that were coming to the surface because of the warmth of Steve’s hand and the closeness of their bodies. 

“Why do you need me to make you stronger? And why do you need to be strong in order to get married to someone you love?” 

“I need you there.” Steve said, not answering his questions. “You’ve been there for me through everything important; you have to be there for me again.” _But when was the last time you were there for me?_ He wanted to shout and hit Steve as hard as he could. How was it fair that Bucky was expected to be a good friend and Steve wasn’t? 

“Why?” He asked, barely able to breathe. “Why should I stand there and then sing a nice little song for you, pretending to be happy when I’m not, just to please you? You looked down on my lifestyle but you’re just like a customer.” 

“Don’t say that to me ever again,” Steve hissed. “Don’t compare me to them.”

“Why shouldn’t I? You’re acting like them– using me for a night and then discarding me. You want me to sing, you want me to be alive, but you don’t even want _me_. You want me to play a role for you and then you’ll just throw me away like you always do!” 

“I’ve never thrown you away! Why would I throw away my best friend?” He could feel something changing between them and fought it. “How can I prove to you that you matter to me more than anyone?” _More than Peggy?_

“Kiss me,” he said before he could stop himself. Steve’s brow furrowed and he continued on, “Kiss me, Steve, and show me how much I matter to you.” 

He knew that it was wrong to demand that of an engaged man but he didn’t care anymore. Steve leaned forward, putting his hand back on his cheek, and kissing him softly. In that moment he felt loved and complete, like that kiss was what he’d been needing all of his life. 

After one soft kiss Steve was pushing him back against the couch and straddling his hips, his mouth insistent and demanding. Bucky kissed him with just as much passion and determination. _Forget about her,_ his lips coaxed, _you are mine._ He was surprised that Steve was still kissing him and doing so willingly. Bucky buried his hands in Steve’s hair and pulled him as close as he possibly could. All at once Steve seemed to realize what he was doing and pulled away, eyes wild and ashamed. He felt guilty about being the one to initiate the action but had no qualms about continuing. 

“I need to call Peggy.”

-

Bucky avoided Steve after the kiss though it was entirely his fault. He found himself staying out for as long as he possibly could even though it was getting colder and all he wanted was to burrow deep into his apartment and never come out again. 

“We kissed.” Bucky said, finally breaking. Pietro looked up at him in confusion.

“Who?”

“Me and that guy I told you about.” 

“The one with the girl?” He flinched and nodded. Pietro was quiet for a few minutes before responding. “How was it?”

“Different.”

“Different as in bad or good?” _Good, so good._ How was he supposed to explain that it felt so terribly right, like his life had been leading up to that very moment? 

“Good.” 

“How do you feel about it?” 

“Confused.”

  
“These one word answers aren’t cutting it. I want to know what’s going through your head because you look haunted.” 

“He’s engaged,” he blurted. “His name is Steve and he’s engaged to a woman named Peggy who he loves and is getting married in a few months. He wants me to go and be his best man and sing for them.” 

“Wow.”

“He asked me what he needed to do to prove that I matter to him and I told him to kiss me.” He watched the white cloud of his breath float away. “I told him, knowing that he’s engaged, and he did just to please me. But it went too far.” 

“What happened?”

“We both seemed to forget about his fiancee and he just… he just started kissing me like he really meant it. I couldn’t stop myself from kissing him back and then he yanked away from me and called her.” 

“Do you love him?” 

“He’s my best friend.” 

“Bucky, do you love him?” 

His hands shook and he knew that it wasn’t because of the cold. Loving Steve seemed like second nature; they’d been friends for so long, he was attached to him completely and had previously been dependent on him. To Bucky, that was exactly what love meant.

“Yes.” Pietro looked like he knew as much already. 

“You have to decide what you’re going to do now.” The younger man said and looked up at the sky. “Are you going to be his friend and best man or are you going to be his secret lover?”

“Who says he even wants something like that with me?” 

“Judging by the fact that he willingly kissed you, I’d say he does.” 

“He loves her.” 

“But I think he might have feelings for you too.” Bucky was quiet for a few minutes, trying to think things over. 

“I don’t want to sing for him.,” he admitted. “He chose the first song I sang to him and he wants me to sing that at the reception.” He remembered Steve's tone-deaf attempt at singing along and for once it didn't make him smile.

“He sounds like a real peach.”

“Steve is staying with me right now so that he can try to convince me to do it whenever he can. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to go home anymore.”

“Tell him to get the fuck out.” 

“I have.” 

“Call the cops and tell them that he’s a squatter.” Bucky laughed and shook his head. 

“We should get back inside. It’s too cold to be out here for much longer.” He made his way to the door and waited for Pietro to catch up. 

“Don’t get yourself hurt Bucky,” Pietro said and walked in ahead of him. 

He sighed and walked into the building, not knowing if it was possible to avoid being hurt at all.

-

Steve couldn’t seem to wash away the stench of infidelity from his skin. He’d done everything that he could think of but couldn’t escape the guilt that he felt. If he was being honest with himself– which he wasn’t– he would’ve been able to admit that he liked kissing Bucky, he liked it way too much. He almost went too far and felt the urge to cross lines that had been there since the beginning of their friendship. 

To him, the saddest part of the entire experience was that he hadn’t even resisted the kiss at all. He had thought about it briefly before actually doing it but once their lips touched he had been lost. Kissing Bucky had been so different than kissing Peggy; there was an untold amount of comfort there, a layer that held more than he could acknowledge. The veil separating their friendship from anything else had shifted and swayed, allowing Steve to peek through. He couldn’t ignore how much he liked it, try as he may.

Bucky breezed through the room without even looking at him and walked straight to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. Steve had recently taken up sleeping on the couch instead of in Bucky’s bed because he was terrified that something was going to happen between them and they’d been keeping their distance from each other. Bucky was barely even acknowledging his existence and for some reason that was driving him insane. 

He sighed and walked to the bedroom, opening the door and walking inside without talking himself out of it. Bucky was finishing changing into his sweats and Steve watched him from the doorway. His heart felt oddly empty and he watched Bucky get into bed before making his choice. He slid into bed beside him and turned to face him, discovering that Bucky had done the same. They stared into each other’s eyes for a few minutes before diving. 

Their lips met in a tangle and Bucky pushed their bodies flush together desperately. A small cry came from his mouth and he gripped onto Bucky’s shoulders for dear life. The kiss grew wilder as the seconds passed and soon they were all around each other, breathing each other in and suffocating. He felt Bucky’s hot tears before he saw them and pulled back only slightly. 

“Bucky,” he whispered and moaned when Bucky started kissing his jaw, down his neck, his collarbones. Bucky was upset and it was his fault. He grabbed Bucky’s chin and tilted his head back, their lips coming together again. He tasted the salt of his tears and hated himself more than he ever had. Why did he keep kissing him? He was so confused. 

“This is reckless,” Bucky said on a sob. “This is stupid of you, Steve. This is so stupid.”

“I know it is.”

“So stop,” he cried. “Take it all back and forget it ever happened, because I can’t. I can’t stop it, Steve.” Steve wanted to do that more than anything but he couldn’t. They’d opened a door that couldn’t be shut again no matter how hard they pushed against it. 

He kissed Bucky again and Bucky grabbed a handful of his hair, yanking hard. He let himself be abused as they kissed, Bucky crying all the while. By the time the moment had passed they were both breathing hard and Bucky’s tears had passed completely. 

“Go back to her,” Bucky said in a strong voice. “I don’t want you here.”

“Shut up,” he replied and Bucky buried his face in his neck, aching for a comfort that Steve was terrible at giving.

-

The first time Steve joined him in the shower it gave him the shock of his life. Bucky had just gotten the water to the temperature that he liked and climbed in when the curtain opened and Steve, completely naked, stepped in behind him. He’d never seen Steve naked before and forced himself not to drink in the sight.

Steve seemed to hesitate behind him before wrapping his arms around his waist and putting his head on his shoulder. Bucky closed his eyes and allowed himself to be held in the warm stream of water. It was more than a gesture of friendliness; it was a step in the wrong direction. Steve was walking backwards and Bucky was encouraging him to by not pushing him away. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to– he physically couldn’t. Having Steve hold him like they were lovers made him weak and unable to do anything but cling desperately to a foolish hope. 

Steve’s chest hit his back as he drew in ragged breaths and Bucky’s eyes opened. He stared at the tiled wall ahead of him and tried to convince himself that the water was making his vision blurry and not tears. The man slid his hand down Bucky’s abdomen and past the stark v of his hips, sliding lower.. The last time he’d been touched like that it was by someone that he’d been paid by, someone who he didn’t know and didn’t love. It was dirty then but somehow not as wrong as what he was allowing Steve to do. 

“Steve,” he moaned almost in warning. 

“I know.” Steve continued to touch him, a lover’s gentle caress. His body played right into Steve’s warm hands like it was made for them and them alone. 

It was wrong, he knew that, but he was so happy. He was happy to be touched by someone who seemed to understand him, who seemed to want him for more than his looks. He felt Steve begin to grind his body against his back, curling around him tightly. 

He hated himself, he hated Peggy, and he hated Steve. He hated the god that his parents had made him believe in for doing that to him, for testing him and making his life so difficult, for making him fall in love with someone he could never have. Steve moaned into his ear and he whined, turning his head and kissing the man’s parted lips. He came just like that and Steve followed just a few minutes later. Once he had washed all of the evidence of his crimes away he stepped out of the shower and left Steve by himself.

  
Bucky got into clean sweats quickly and fell into bed, his hair still dripping wet. He felt like a fool; Steve didn’t love him, he loved Peggy and was going to marry her eventually. Even if he missed his wedding they would find another day or elope and he would just be the man left behind. He was going to be in more pain than he’d ever experienced in his entire life and he knew that there would be no happy ending for him. It wasn’t in the cards. 

His friend walked into the room and slipped into bed without a word, pulling him close. It was so very wrong and there was nothing he could do to repent for the sins he was helping commit. “When are you going to tell her?” 

“Tell her?” Steve asked like the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind. 

“You’re going to marry her,” he tried his best not to sound hurt. “I know that you will want to start your marriage with a clean slate.”

“I don’t want to lose her.” 

Bucky smiled to himself for no reason at all. “Go back to her tonight. Don’t make her wait any longer.” 

“And if I want to stay with you?” 

“I don’t see why you would,” he replied honestly. “You have someone who loves you waiting for you faithfully. Staying here and breaking her trust isn’t helping anything.” 

“Maybe it’s helping me.”

“It isn’t.”

“Can you look me in the eyes and tell me that you want me to go? Say it and I’ll leave right now.” 

Bucky turned around and stared at him. In Steve’s he saw the innocent kids they used to be and wondered how things had gotten so out of control. His mind was screaming ‘leave’ but his lips were already wrapped around the word ‘stay’. 

“One day we’re going to have to grow up and become good men,” he whispered solemnly. Steve smiled ruefully and nodded. 

“That day isn’t today, fortunately.” 

-

“He won’t stop,” Bucky whispered as they got ready for another night. Pietro looked at him with sadness in his eyes. “He kisses me and climbs into the shower with me and pretends that it’s normal to do.”

“I really want to come to your house and kick this guy’s ass.” 

“I’d be willing to let you.”

“Is he going to tell her?”

“He said that he doesn’t want to lose her so he’s probably not going to tell her.” 

“I want to kill him.” The door opened and Natasha walked in flanked by Steve.

“He’s in here and he’s got no clients for a while so you can talk to him for a bit.” 

“Thanks.” Natasha moved back and Steve walked in. Pietro stiffened beside him and he moved closer to the man just in case he had to keep him restrained. “Bucky,” Steve said and smiled. 

“What are you doing here?”

“I haven’t seen you for a few days– I was worried.” 

“I told you not to come here.” Steve looked hurt for a second, his smile faltering slightly. “Leave.”

“Because you’re not technically working right now I thought we could have a late dinner so I can make sure that you actually eat.” 

“Did you not hear him?” Pietro’s voice was full of white-hot rage. “He told you to leave.” 

Steve looked past him, eyes cold. 

“Who are you?”

“Quicksilver.”

“Who are you to Bucky?” 

“An actual friend, unlike you.” Steve looked over to Bucky. 

“I don’t know what you think you know about, Quicksilver but it’s in your best interest to knock it off.” 

“What? Are you going to hit me like you did to Bucky?” Steve flinched. “Yeah I saw the bruises and I know that you did that to him. But unlike Bucky I have no problem with hitting you because you are nothing to me.”

“You don’t know shit, kid. Don’t act like you know what’s going on between us.” 

“What’s going on is you’re interested in men as well as women and you’re using Bucky, someone who trusts you, to explore that avenue. Bucky isn’t a fucking practice doll; he’s a person with feelings and you can’t abuse him like this.” 

Steve’s laughter in response was cruel and cold. “If Bucky is a person with feelings, why isn’t he speaking for himself? Are you his advocate?”

“You mock what I’m doing for him because you know that you’re doing way less than that. You’re hurting him and don’t even care.”

“I am not hurting him!” 

“I cannot wait until your fiancee finds out about your cheating ass. I hope she kicks you to the curb like the trash you are.” Steve walked forward and Bucky stopped him from advancing. 

“Don’t,” Bucky warned. “Leave now.” 

“Come home with me.” 

“Your home is in Manhattan,” he reminded him quietly. “With Peggy.” 

“Bucky,”

“– just go.” Steve stared at him for a minute before walking out. As soon as he left Bucky fell to the ground and sobbed. Pietro was holding him in an instant and rocking him gently. 

“It’s okay,” Pietro whispered. “I promise it’ll be okay.”

“He’s breaking my heart.”

“I’m sorry.” 

When Bucky came home that night Steve was on him. The man kissed him harshly and bit his lower lip, making him cry out in pain. Bucky struggled not to give in and kiss back, pushing against Steve’s chest and hitting him wherever he could reach. “I fucking hate you,” Bucky seethed. “I hate you you selfish bastard!” 

“Don’t say things that you don’t mean.” 

“I hate you so much more than you could ever know. You had to come here and ruin everything and tear me apart like it doesn’t even matter.”

“Do you like him, Bucky?” 

“What are you talking about?”

“Quicksilver. Do you like him?” Rage filled him and he pushed Steve hard. “Do you want to fuck him or something?”

“He is my only friend,” he growled. “Why would I want to mess things up?”

“If he’s your only friend what am I to you?”

“A stupid fucker who is engaged and won’t leave me alone!” Steve pushed Bucky up against the wall and gripped his shirt in his fists, breathing heavily. “Just leave me the fuck alone!” 

“No.”

“What do you mean _no_? I’ve told you to leave countless times and yet you stay just to destroy me. Is it your goal to break me down and cut me deeper than I can repair?” Tears slid down his face despite his efforts to fight them back. Showing weakness was something he despised and showing it to Steve was the worst thing imaginable.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you and I never have.”

“I was never like this before you came along. I wasn’t this fucked up.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“No you’re not.” Steve didn’t deny it. “You ruin everything you touch,” he said more to himself than to Steve.

“You love me.” 

Bucky cried and his heart caved in. “And you love her.” 

Steve was kissing him like he loved him and making his head spin. Bucky whimpered as the man’s tongue stroked his own and clung to Steve for dear life. He was sinking deeper and deeper and though he could swim he didn’t want to; he wanted to drown, to disappear into Steve and not have to face himself, to hate the person he had become. Steve thrust into him and he moaned quietly. “Bucky.” Steve groaned. “Bucky, I need you.” 

“Please don’t,” he cried. “Don’t say that to me.”

“I do baby, I need you so much more than you think.” 

He covered his face and sobbed, his chest heaving and body burning. He hated both himself and Steve so much and wished that they had never met all those years ago, but didn’t really mean it. 

“I need you Bucky.”

“I hate you,” he cried and tried not to feel such pleasure from Steve’s thrusts. “You’re the worst thing that's ever happened to me.” Steve’s eyes were full of something he couldn’t decipher and he wanted to hide somewhere far away from him.

“Tell me you love me.” 

“I can’t.” Steve was breaking down every wall he’d created to protect himself and for selfish reasons. Why did he need to confirm Bucky’s love when he had Peggy’s? “Whatever I feel,” he panted as Steve twisted his hips, “doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters!” 

“You love Peggy and my feelings can’t change that.” Steve went quiet and continued to thrust, kissing his neck and making him tremble. “Just stop this crap and leave.”

“You keep telling me to leave but I know you want me to stay. Tell me that you want me to stay and I can stay without having a guilty conscience.” Bucky jerked away from him and Steve stopped moving, pressing him down against the bed. “What’s wrong?”

“You’re acting like you have nothing else to feel guilty about. Don’t you feel bad that you’re fucking over your soon to be wife?” 

“Don’t you?”

“I hate myself because of this bullshit,” he growled. “I hate you and I hate her and I feel so fucked up because of this!” He pushed Steve away and the man fell off the bed, the feeling of emptiness hitting him instantly. Bucky rubbed frantically at his eyes in an attempt to stop the flow of tears. “I don’t know what you want from me anymore. You say you need me but you plan to go back to her and get married. Do I just not matter to you?”

“You matter more than anyone.”

“More than Peggy?” Her name sent shivers down his spine. 

“Sometimes.” Bucky couldn’t take it anymore. He got off of the bed and stumbled away from the scene of the crime, his chest heaving and lungs burning. He found himself being lifted and Steve sliding deep inside of him again. “Sometimes I wonder what the fuck I’m doing with anyone else but you.”

“Liar,” he moaned and wrapped his legs around Steve’s waist. The man began to tilt his hips back and forth in motions that made him lose his mind. “All you do is lie to me. Since the beginning.”

“No,” Steve said and shook his head. “No Bucky, I’ve never lied to you.” 

“If my heart is what you want just rip it out of my chest and leave. Give it to Peggy as a wedding present.” 

Steve kissed him softly and he gripped his shoulders like they were his lifeline. He kissed back even though he was upset and hurt because he would’ve done anything for Steve at any given time. Steve was the battering ram knocking down the castle door and Bucky was the king cowering in a tower trying to keep from being killed. 

“Tell me you love me,” Steve whispered into Bucky’s mouth. 

“I love you.” His words floated away on a sigh and he let himself fall.

-

“This is taking longer than you said it would,” Peggy complained. “You promised you’d be back soon and now I’m finished planning and the wedding is coming up.” 

“I’m sorry it’s just a bit difficult right now.” 

“If he doesn’t want to be in the wedding then don’t force him.” 

“We’ve been friends for years, Peg. He’s my best friend and I need him there.”

“Someone who doesn’t want to support you isn’t worth your time.” He looked over at Bucky’s sleeping body, watching the rise and fall of his chest, and wished that he thought the same way that she did. “I want you back here.”

“I know baby, I miss you too.”

“My parents are coming in to meet you next week.” 

“I should be back by then.”

“‘Should’? Steve you know you can’t miss this!” 

“I’ll try to wrap things up soon.” 

“Promise me.”

“I promise.” 

“I love you Stevie.”

“Love you too.” He said and hung up. Steve watched Bucky for a little while longer and wondered why he’d screwed things up so badly. He knew that he shouldn’t have kissed Bucky in the first place but he certainly shouldn’t have done anything more. He should’ve left that night and gone back to Peggy instead of staying there and letting more happen. 

Bucky rolled onto his side and started to wake up. His breathing sped up and his eyelashes fluttered before he slowly opened his eyes. There was a soft smile on his lips that made Steve’s heart race but was immediately erased as Bucky realized where he was. 

“It’s customary for clients to leave once they get what they want,” Bucky whispered as if he himself didn’t want to hear the words he was uttering. “But you’re still here.”

“I’m not a client, Bucky.” 

“Aren’t you?” 

“You told me you loved me last night.” 

Bucky visibly recoiled. “And now it’s morning so I’m trying to be a grown man and let you go.”

“Why would you do that?”

“One of us has to.” 

“I don’t want either of us to let each other go.”

“Don’t you think that it’s about time for me to stop paying attention to what you want?” 

“Stop trying to pretend like you don’t love me. Feelings don’t just change overnight.” 

“I told you that I’m trying to let you go- I never said I was trying to deny my feelings for you. I want to stop letting this happen.”

“Do you know how much I want to make things up to you? I know I’ve fucked up big time but I don’t want to cause you any more pain.”

“So leave,” Bucky said as if it were that simple.

“I can’t.” 

“Why?” _Because I’m fucking confused!_ He cursed himself.

“I’m not.. I’m not ready to let you go.” 

“I wish that you would just make up your mind. You can’t have both me and Peggy but we both know that you don’t want me anyway. You’re experimenting because you don’t know if you’re ready to be committed to one person for the rest of your life.”

“That’s not true.” 

“You’re ready for a life-long commitment and she is the one to give it to you.” 

“And you’re not?” Bucky looked him straight in the eyes and shook his head. 

“I’m not.” 

“Because you’re a host?”

“Because I don’t want to be with someone who won’t ever know if I’m the one; I can’t live like this forever.”

“What if I know that you’re the one?” he pressed on. “What if I believe that you are?” 

“You’re trying to talk yourself into loving me, aren’t you?” That time he remained silent. “That’s something I can’t live with either. If you have to think about loving me or force yourself into feeling something for me beyond the physical or the platonic, I am not the one.” 

“Be my best friend again, please.” 

“It’s way too late to go back.”

“Will you ever forgive me?”

“My forgiveness isn’t the one you want and you know it.”

-

It was freezing outside but he didn’t care, when he was stressed he needed to smoke. All of the other hosts were doing the smart thing and staying inside so he was blissfully alone. Every night that week Steve had called Peggy and then fucked him into oblivion, making him proclaim his love over and over again until he was saying it without being prompted to. 

The door to the club opened and Pietro came out, draping a parka over his shoulders before putting on his own. “I really hate him.” Pietro said and shook his head. “Look at you; you’re fucking decaying.”

“Gee thanks.” 

“I’m not joking Bucky. I’ve seen you sad before but never like this; he’s destroying you from the inside out and I hate him for it.” 

“I wish I could hate him for real.” 

“How many times has he fucked you now?”

“Lost count.” 

“Has he told her yet?”

“He calls her every night before he fucks me but doesn’t say anything about me. One time she called when he was inside me,” he said and smiled out at the night. “He picked up.”

“Motherfucker,” Pietro growled. “I should knock his teeth down his throat.”

“He’s not worth the assault charge.”

“But you are,” Bucky looked at Pietro briefly before sliding the coat on and doing it up. “If you’d let me at him I’d be fine with a murder charge.”

“You’re too nice a guy to be here,” he said and sighed. “Why couldn’t you be my best friend instead of him?”

“Because good people get stuck with someone they need to save.” 

“You think I’m trying to save him? I always figured it was the other way around.”

“The way I see it is he’s an asshole piece of trash that’s clinging to you and using you so that you’ll take on the pain of his actions. He’s a demon clinging to an angel in an attempt to get into heaven.” 

“To be fair you’re not exactly impartial.”

“He’s a dick,” Pietro said, voice unwavering.

“Do you think he’ll ever stop?” 

“He better.” He wasn’t sure that he wanted him to and that made him an awful person.

-

Peggy was standing in front of him but he couldn’t really see her; all he could see was a person made of his infidelity and dishonesty. She was so sweet and nice– so different from Bucky. “How did you find me?” Steve asked softly. 

“I asked around and your friends gave me this address.”

“This is my friend’s house.”

“The best man?”

“Yeah. Bucky.” _The guy I’ve been cheating on you with,_ he wanted to admit. Naturally he didn't.

“Will I get to meet him tonight?” 

“He gets in pretty late most nights.” 

“I booked a hotel room so I can stay for a bit; I’ve been really curious about this guy.” 

“He’s been… curious about you too. I think he’s surprised that I haven’t introduced you yet considering I’ve pretty much made most of my life decisions with his help.” She smiled and he hated himself intensely for continuing to lie to her. That hatred built up steadily inside of him until he could no longer take it. “Peggy.”

“Yes?”

“There’s something… there’s something that I have to tell you.”

“What is it?”

“It’s about Bucky and I,” he said and gulped. “Bucky.. we..” She held her hand up in the air and cut him off. 

“When we get married we’re going to be almost starting fresh.” Peggy’s eyes spoke volumes about her knowledge and he knew that she had suspected what was going on. “Whatever… mistakes we’ve made so far are going to be erased.” 

“Do you really mean that?” 

“I do.” He was both grateful and upset by her ability to forgive him without really knowing what had happened. Some part of him didn’t want to get off that easily because he knew that he deserved to be punished. 

“You’re amazing,” he said and hugged her tightly. “I’m lucky to have you.” She leaned against him fully and laid her head on his shoulder.

“I know.” 

“You must be Peggy.” Steve jerked out of their embrace and stared at Bucky. He looked like someone had just stabbed him in the chest and back simultaneously. Peggy stood up and smiled charmingly at him. 

“And you must be Bucky.” Bucky smiled tightly and walked closer, shaking her hand. 

“It’s nice to finally meet you. Steve has been talking about you non-stop since he got here.” He wondered why Bucky was lying to her. Was it for his sake or Peggy’s? “You’re as lovely as he said you were.” 

Peggy smiled at him but it didn’t reach her eyes. “You’re so charming- I can see why Steve likes you so much.” 

“If only I’d known you were coming; I would’ve prepared something to eat or do. My apartment is really a boring place that I normally only come to to sleep.” 

“So you work often then?” 

“My job is… very demanding and my hours vary.” 

“Is that why Steve hasn’t been able to talk about the wedding with you?” 

“We talked about it briefly but I had to leave before we could finish.” Bucky sounded so unlike himself that it caused the hairs on the back of his neck to rise. “He said something about me being his best man and possibly singing at the wedding.”

“Have you thought about it at all?”

“Honestly I am not a singer anymore so that part is impossible.” 

“Steve and I would really appreciate it if you could come out of retirement for one night.”

He immediately saw the change in Bucky and how his entire body froze over, a sickly sweet smile curling his lips. 

“You would,” Bucky said slowly.

“We want our wedding night to be special and it would mean a lot to us if you sang.” 

“When Steve and I were younger we used to sing together almost everyday. Even when we weren’t in the same city we called each other and sang over the phone.” 

“That’s so sweet!” 

“We were so close, we were inseparable. People even joked that he would marry me if he never found someone more suitable.” Peggy seemed apprehensive about that statement and Steve stood up, moving beside her almost protectively. “Man am I glad that he found you because he’s never been my type.” Peggy’s shoulders sagged in relief and she laughed. 

“I’m glad that I found him too.”

-

When Steve was finally gone Bucky fell onto the bed and screamed into his pillow until his throat felt raw. Peggy was more beautiful than he’d thought she would be and was so nice that it physically pained him. He could definitely see why Steve would be in love with her and not him. Bucky grabbed the pack of cigarettes from underneath his mattress and fished his lighter out of his pocket. 

It was official; he hated himself more than he could ever hate her. 

“Fuck you,” he whispered and let out a puff of smoke. “Fuck you for making me like this.” 

It seemed more and more likely that god had created him incorrectly; something in the assembly line had gotten mixed up or he’d been stuck with spare parts. His parents had always drilled the fact that differences made people special because they knew that he was all wrong from the very start. 

Steve could never love him, not like he wanted him to. Bucky didn’t believe in the fabled friendzone because he figured if things were meant to be they would be but that time it was different. He had unknowingly tried to make Steve fall for him in the same way that he’d fallen for Peggy and failed miserably. It made him sick that he had fallen victim to a classic unrequited love. The easiest way to get out of it would just be to let go but he couldn’t even do that. 

Bucky stood up and walked into the bathroom, turning on the shower and taking off his clothes. He stepped under the spray and began to scrub at his skin harshly. The unclean ghosts inside of him were clawing their way through his skin and making him just as dirty as they were. He felt like the biggest ghost was the one wrapped around his heart that made it impossible for him to understand his own feelings until it was too late. 

Somewhere in between cleaning himself and trying not to scream again he reached a moment of obscene clarity. In order to escape that ferocious pain that was killing him he had to face it head on. 

-

With the wedding days away, Bucky found himself completely numb. He didn’t feel a single thing and was kind of glad for that because he knew that the only thing he’d feel would be pain. Sometimes being numb was the best remedy for hurt; he’d known that for a while by that time. It was the night of Steve’s bachelor party and Steve, being the angel he was, chose to go to the host club. 

The hostesses were way too eager and were going out of their way to cater to them which was overachieving, even for a hostess. Bucky finished off his third beer and crossed his arms, watching the scene around him. Despite his best efforts his eyes landed on Steve and he stiffened when he saw him chatting up a hostess. 

He wondered if Steve was going to fuck her too, break her heart and treat her as less than.

Steve looked up and caught his gaze, smiling sheepishly. Bucky felt his stomach twist into knots and he grabbed another beer off of the table. Steve’s other friends were all annoying businessmen so he had no one else to talk to and made no effort to try and make friends with them either. All he wanted to do was escape the deserted island he’d help create but Steve was keeping him stranded there. 

After another two beers he was drunk enough to not care about Steve’s feelings anymore. He stood up and walked out of the room, down the hallway and to the dressing room. 

“Are you really going to leave, best man?” Steve sounded hurt and for once he enjoyed it. 

“This party sucks.”

“That’s because you refuse to talk to anyone and have literally been sitting by yourself brooding for hours.”

“What the fuck did you expect?” 

“I thought you’d at least try to pretend to be happy.” 

“Look who’s suddenly an optimist!” 

“Why are you acting like this?” He turned sharply and glared at the man. 

“Maybe because I’m an angry drunk,” he said through clenched teeth. “Or maybe I’m just so happy that my best friend has finally fucked me enough to get me out of his system that I’m overwhelmed.” 

“Don’t say dumb shit,” Steve growled.

“I guess it’s about time that it happened though; you can’t keep cheating on her when she’s your wife unless you feel like getting a divorce.” 

“Can’t you just forget it happened and be happy for me?” 

“Can’t I– wow,” he said and laughed at how stupid Steve was being. “I honestly don’t know why I’m surprised at how much of a dick you can be.” He turned back around and moved closer to the exit. “Go and get married, I’m beyond happy for you! You deserve to be happy with someone you love instead of faking love with me.”

“You act like I’m the one who started this shit. You asked me to kiss you, you did this.”

“Because I definitely forced you into making out with me and then getting into the shower with me and fucking me more times than I can count; that’s all my fault right?” Bucky couldn't believe Steve was pinning this on him. They were both equal in that mess.

“If you would’ve told me that you didn’t want to be with me I would’ve stopped.” 

“Are you _kidding_ me? How many times did I tell you to leave? How times did I push you away and scream at you to go back to her? Who encouraged you to tell Peggy in the first place?” Pietro had been right; he was always trying to save Steve even when the man didn’t want to save himself. “ _I_ told you that you were being an idiot and _I_ said I wanted you to leave so that I could finally let you go.” 

“Do you hate me now, Bucky?” 

“Yes.” _No._

“How long have you been in love with me?” 

“Go back to your party- I’m leaving.” 

“How long?”

“How long do you think?” Steve sighed. 

“I’m sorry for doing this to you.” Bucky pressed his clenched fists against his eyes so that he wouldn’t cry. “I should’ve realized sooner and not hurt you so much. You’re my best friend and I never meant to make you suffer.” He felt like he was about to fall over so he walked over to the door and braced himself against it. 

“What’s done is done.”

“I’m a dick and you still love me; you really must love me unconditionally.” Steve’s arms wrapped around his waist and he leaned his forehead against the door, his breath coming out in laboured bursts. “Why?”

“Because I’m an idiot.”

“Bucky–”

“– pretend.” He said and broke. Bucky knew that he was cursed, that these moments with Steve were stolen and shameful, but he didn’t care. “Pretend that you love me just for tonight.” Steve surprised him by letting out a noise similar to a sob. 

“Turn around.” Bucky turned in his grasp and Steve looked him in the eyes. “I love you,” Steve said and he allowed himself to weep openly. 

“Please.” 

“I love you,” Steve said and wiped his tears away. “No matter what happens after this just know that I do love you.” 

“Tell me you need me.”

“I need you Bucky.” Bucky wept and when Steve kissed him it was leaking with desperation. He grabbed onto Steve’s shoulders and kissed back until his body melted against Steve’s and they were nearly one, their edges blurring together like it was meant to be. “Tell me you love me.” 

“I love you.” he said and didn’t open his eyes, afraid of what he’d see. He had always been a coward and would most likely continue to be for the rest of his life. “Steve, I love you so much.”

“I know.”

“Don’t marry her,” Bucky pleaded, his begging for no reason and holding no meaning. “Let’s run away together like we said when we were kids and mad at our parents. _Steve_.” 

“It hurts me to see you so sad.” It hurt him to see Steve happy with someone else when he was being hung out to dry. “I miss your smile.”

“I just want to run away,” he whispered. “Rip off all of this sadness and leave it all behind.” 

“We can’t run away from our problems.” 

“Remember when we used to face it all together?” 

“Yes.” 

“Things were so much better when we were kids and didn’t have to worry about growing up.” 

“Do you want me to go?” Steve asked and he could tell that Steve wasn’t going anywhere regardless of what he said. 

“No, stay.” 

“Tell me when you want me to leave and I will.” Even if he wanted to tell him to leave his vocal chords refused to let the sound come out. “I love you.” 

“Love me for as long as you can.”

“I’ll love you forever.” 

“One last time,” Bucky said, voice hoarse and pained. “Fuck me one last time and be done with me.” 

“Do you honestly think that I’ll ever be done with you?” His eyes snapped open and his chest heaved with sobs. “I love Peggy but I love you too.” 

“One day we'll grow out of this shit, right?” 

“Yeah Buck,” Steve kissed him and he felt himself slipping away, leaving his body and staring down at the scene. He couldn’t recognize himself at all and that hurt him more than anything Steve had ever done. How had he let himself go so completely? Bucky had disintegrated and been reduced to nothing more than a shadowy figure clinging desperately to the last reaches of a life he'd conjured up with his mistakes.

With their bodies pressed so close it was hard to tell that they didn’t belong together. Bucky allowed the momentary feeling of satisfaction to press in on him from all sides and fell into Steve’s body as if he were diving into the ocean. Of course the water was cold but his body was hot enough to trick him into thinking it wasn’t. Steve’s fingers were fumbling with his clothes and he, against his own wishes, pushed Steve away. 

“Bucky?” He shook his head and slid down the door until he hit the floor. 

“I’m so fucked,” he gasped as though fighting through what pained him. “Peggy is a really great woman and she loves you. This can’t keep happening, it shouldn’t have happened in the first place. This is over as of now.”

“But you just told me not to marry her.”

“And we both know that you’re not going to walk away from her.” 

“Maybe I will.” It was the ugliest thing Steve could have said.

“You won’t choose me.” Bucky stood up and brushed himself off, righting his clothes and trying to get his head on straight. “I know that you won’t and I don’t blame you.”

“When I said I loved you I wasn’t acting or doing it for your benefit. I do love you.” 

“Go back to the party and celebrate your final days of being an unmarried man. Soon enough you’ll never have to worry about your relationships being unstable again. You won’t have to worry about hiding things from her either.”

“What happens once I’m married? Are you just going to forget about me?”

“I’m walking away for real this time.”

“Don’t do this to me, I don’t want to lose you.” 

“It’s time for us to grow up.” Bucky was shocked to see tears falling down Steve’s cheeks. It had been a long time since he’d seen Steve cry; he couldn’t even remember the last time it had happened. Having Steve crying over him was more upsetting than anything else. “Don’t you think it’s time we let go of silly little dreams?”

“Like the two of us just abandoned singing and drawing? We used to love those things and we just let them go without a second thought. Are we supposed to do that to each other now?”

“You always said I was better on my own.” 

“I was joking,” Steve rasped, tears falling faster.

“Now we’re not.” 

“I’ve missed you so much Bucky,” Steve sobbed. “I’ve wanted to come back to Brooklyn and beg for your forgiveness. I wanted you to let me stay beside you again. There is no way that I can lose you.”

“Don’t think of it as a loss, Steve. Think of it as gaining a new start.” 

“Do you really love me?” 

“I always have.” He always would, too.

-

The ceremony was short and sweet, focusing solely on Steve and Peggy’s epic romance. Bucky stood beside Steve the entire time and smiled when necessary despite the constant urge to cry. When they slid the rings on each other he felt himself receding into the shell he had used when he was a child. It was a tight fit but he remained inside for the rest of the ceremony. 

Bucky danced with a few bridesmaids at the reception and did his rounds, even faking a smile for the cameras. When the spotlight was off of him he walked into the hotel the ceremony had been in and went to the lounge. He listened to the sound of jazz being played through speakers in the wall and pretended like his heart wasn’t broken beyond repair. 

“The best man isn’t supposed to hide away from the wedding party.” Bucky looked up and found one of Steve’s groomsmen smiling at him. 

“Sam, right?”

“Right. Mind if I sit?”

“Go ahead.” Sam sat down across from him and loosened his tie. 

“I’m sorry.”

“About?”

“I uh.. heard you and Steve at the bachelor party.” His head snapped up and he stared at Sam in shock. 

“We were joking around.” Sam’s warm eyes were extremely disarming. “Steve’s sense of humour is stupid sometimes.”

“You don’t have to lie. I’ve been there.” 

“With Steve?” Sam laughed and shook his head. 

“No it was before I met Steve. Being with a guy that’s not ready to be with you fully is bullshit.” 

“Amen.”

“For the record I think you being the best man is a shitty thing for him to have asked of you given the situation. I apologize on his behalf.” Bucky smiled a little. 

“Thanks for being a better friend than he is.” 

“No problem.” Sam looked at his watch. “They’re going to notice we’re gone soon so we should get back.”

“I guess you’re right.” They stood up and walked back outside to the reception area. Steve was laughing at the newlywed table and looked up when the two of them walked in, stiffening when he saw them. 

Bucky looked over at Sam and saw him straightening his tie and realized how it looked. He shuttered himself completely and felt anger rising. What right did Steve have to get angry? Though they hadn’t done anything he had the right to do anything with anyone he wanted. “What happened with you and that guy?” 

“One day it got to be too much and I walked away.”

“Do you regret it?”

“Only when I’m lonely.” 

“I’m always lonely,” he said without realizing. Sam looked at him and sighed. 

“There’ll come a day when you won’t be and you’ll be glad that you stopped him from continuing to hurt you.” Steve was walking over to them with an angry look in his eyes. “Don’t give in, Bucky. No one deserves to crumble because of someone else.”

“Thanks Sam.” Sam clapped him on the shoulder. 

“If you ever need someone to talk to even if it’s not about this, give me a call. My number’s on that stupid card Steve handed out after making us all agree to be in his wedding.”

“I will.” Sam walked away just as Steve got over to him. 

“What were you doing with Sam?” Steve hissed. 

“Knock it off.”

“You were gone for a while- did you fuck him?”

“Why do you care?”

“Silly me, I thought that you loved me so that made it okay for me to worry about you.” Bucky glared at him and took a step back. 

“In case you forgot we’re at your wedding reception and you got married an hour ago.” Steve’s eyes darkened considerably. 

“You do realize that Sam being your rebound guy is sick because he’s one of my best friends.”

“And I’m your actual best friend so me being your dirty secret is worse.” Steve grabbed his arm and he jerked away like the touch burned him. “Don’t touch me.”

“You didn’t seem to mind before.” He had the overwhelming urge to slap Steve but fought it off, not wanting to bring attention to himself. “Did you fuck him?”

“You are married and I am single. If I want to go have a quick fuck with someone in the bathroom then that’s what I’ll do.” 

“You don’t deserve something like that; you deserve someone’s all.” He swallowed a few times to dislodge the lump in his throat. “You deserve to have someone go all out for you every time you’re together and make you feel loved.”

“Do I now?” He growled. “Last time I checked only marriage material deserved that kind of treatment.” 

“I told you that I loved you, Bucky. Don’t pretend that I didn’t.”

“What you told me was you were getting married and still wanted to keep me on the side.” 

“That isn’t true.” 

“When are you going to realize that you can’t have it both ways?” 

“Tell me to leave her,” Steve whispered. “Tell me to run away with you.” 

“I already did and look at what that got me,” Bucky sighed and shook his head. “We both know that leaving her was never an option or even a thought for you. You want stability and comfort and warm love; none of that can be achieved with me.” 

“Stop pushing me away.” 

“How can I push you when you’re already gone?” he asked and walked away. 

The time to make his best man’s speech came upon him and he feigned excitement, slipping into his shell once more. He moved to the middle of the dance floor and smiled at all of the guests before starting. 

“Steve and I have been friends since we were kids, some people mistook us for brothers we were that close- of course, they figured I was the brother with the looks.” Everyone laughed and he waited before continuing the charade. “But that means that Steve was the one with the brains and that I can agree to. Steve was.. he was the moral compass between the two of us. He always made sure to lead everyone in the right direction and help anyone that he could even if that meant sacrificing himself. Because of our vastly different personalities no one expected our friendship to last much longer than a few months.” 

He smiled as though he were happy when on the inside he was caving in. 

“Now standing here so many years later being the best man at his wedding, I can say that I’m glad that those people were wrong. I’ve been blessed to know him and now Peggy has received that blessing as well. I hope that the two of you have a long life together full of happiness and good fortune. May your love always remain true and never wither even in the harshest winters of your life together. When you look back on your relationship, you will see that despite any struggles you may have had it was all worth it and that your love is more than enough.” His throat burned and he looked at the happy couple; there were happy tears in Peggy’s eyes and Steve looked haunted. He raised his champagne glass with a shaking hand. “To Peggy and Steve, the truest love I’ve ever seen.” Bucky took a drink and the guests burst into applause. 

“Bucky?” Peggy asked. 

“Yes?”

“Will you sing for us? I know that you weren’t sure if you could but it'd mean so much to us if you did.” More of his insides crumbled and he nodded stiffly. 

“I’d love to.” He walked over to the leader of the band and whispered his request to them. Within a few minutes the band began to play and he forced himself to remain calm. “ _I tried to leave it all behind me but I woke up and there they were beside me._ ” The sound of his own voice was turning his stomach. “ _And I don't believe it but I guess it's true, some feelings they can travel too. Oh there it is again sitting on my chest makes it hard to catch my breath, I scramble for the light to change.”_

In a way the wedding guests were like an audience for him, the biggest audience he had ever performed for. 

“ _You're always on my mind, you're always on my mind._ ” 

Did singers often feel that hollow when they were singing ballads? 

“ _And I never minded being on my own, then something broke in me and I wanted to go home to be where you are. But even closer to you, you seem so very far. And I'm reaching out with every note I sing, and I hope it gets to you on some pacific wind; wraps itself around you and whispers in your ear. Tells you that I miss you and wish that you were here._ ” He finished as strongly as he could and nearly cringed at the applause he got. He could feel Steve’s eyes on him but didn’t meet his gaze. Bucky smiled and handed the microphone over to the band leader before walking back to his seat. 

“Are you okay?” Sam asked and he gripped the edge of the table to steady himself. 

“I’ve never been one for crowds.”

-

Bucky had always hated his apartment because it was a small hole in the wall of the rest of the world but after Steve went back to Manhattan, he hated it because it was too big. The apartment felt like a giant cave full of unseen monsters and traps that he couldn’t possibly navigate by himself. He laid in his bed and remembered what it felt like to have Steve wrapped around him like a second skin and how his breath puffed out when he was asleep. 

Every tear that fell from his eyes was unique but also just the same because they were shed with the same thoughts in mind. There was pain leaking from his every pore and he didn’t bother to staunch the flow. He sometimes felt like a patchwork doll; pieced together by thin thread and shaky stitches, just begging to be pulled on too hard and break apart. 

He got out of bed and got dressed, leaving his apartment and being greeted by the cold night. Though he wanted to smoke he had recently decided to stop that bad habit when he’d left Steve’s wedding. That night had been a night of realizations and the start of his rehabilitation. His phone rang a familiar tune and he answered it against his better judgement. 

“Why’d you sing that song?” Steve slurred. “The words. Is that how you feel?”

“You’re drunk and you shouldn’t be calling me.”

“Was that supposed to be goodbye? You haven’t talked to me since then.” 

“Where’s your wife right now?” 

“It was mean, Buck. It was real mean of you to walk away like that and expect me to never question it.” 

“Go to bed and sleep this off. I’m confident that you’ll regret this conversation in the morning.”

“You’re different than her.” Steve blurted. “The love for her and the love I have for you are different.”

“Are you just realizing that now?”

“She’s the one I’ve been trained to want and you’re the one I was born to love.” 

He stifled a sob and shook his head, nearly biting his lip to the blood, “Stop it.”

“I love you because we are meant for each other and always have been. Why do you think we met? Because fate brought us together.”

“You’re talking like an idiot.”

“I’ve been blind for so many years and now I know how things are supposed to be.” Bucky looked around and wished for there to be a car that he could jump in front of but found nothing. “We can run away and go anywhere we want, start fresh. I want to be with you.” 

“Why is it that we’re drawn to people that we can only fail with?”

“We can make it together if we try.”

“That’s the goddamn problem; we shouldn’t have to work at surviving together and a relationship shouldn’t be about surviving.”

“Can’t love be enough?” 

“It’ll never be enough.” Bucky wanted to hang up but he couldn’t bring himself to even do that. He walked down the street and felt his fingers beginning to get numb from the cold. 

“Do you know what it felt like when I kissed you that first time?” 

“No.”

“I thought about how different it felt from kissing Peggy and how natural it was. I didn’t have to fight any of my instincts; all I had to do was feel.”

“Why do you insist on breaking me down further than I ever thought I could break?”

“Tell me you love me.”

“Tell me I mean more than I really do.” 

“Stop overthinking things and just follow your heart; it’ll lead you to me, Bucky.”

“If I followed my heart instead of my head I’d be long gone by now.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Sleep it off and I hope that you forget about this by morning.” He hung up and shoved his phone into his pocket before breaking into a dead run. Bucky ran until his lungs burned and his legs were weak. He sat down on a bench and brought his knees up to his chest, burying his face in his thighs. Every single part of him hurt and he wanted to run away yet again but this time leave his body behind, carrying only his damaged heart. 

Bucky grabbed a taxi and went to the host club in search of Pietro. He found him just getting undressed for the night but the boy stopped when he saw his face. 

“Bucky.” Bucky ran over to him and collapsed against his chest. “I’m so sorry.”

“I thought it would stop once he was married and I realized that we could never happen but it didn’t. It’s so much worse now.”

“He hasn’t left you alone?”

“No.” 

“Will you let me beat the crap out of him now?”

“I might just join you.” Pietro sighed. 

“You’re going to come back to my place and not answer your phone for a few days. Maybe the fucker will take the hint for once.”

“Okay.” 

-

Peggy was lying beside him but he wished it were Bucky. He knew that he was being terrible to both Peggy and Bucky but he couldn’t help himself anymore. Calling the man didn’t help because he wasn’t picking up and going to his house wasn’t an option. Steve found himself wishing that he’d realized he had feelings for Bucky before he’d even met Peggy. 

Steve was having trouble accepting the fact that he’d broken Bucky beyond repair within just a few months. Their friendship was destroyed and there was no going back, no hope for reconciliation. He had used Bucky’s love as a weapon and wielded it wrong; instead of fighting against what kept them apart he had fought Bucky and ended up winning a battle he hadn’t meant to fight in the first place. 

He slipped out of bed and into the living room, grabbing the house phone and dialing Bucky’s number. When he didn’t get an answer he leaned back against the couch and took a deep breath. He had fucked up again and said things that had hurt Bucky instead of convinced him that his love was true. It was easy to see how Bucky could doubt him when he hadn’t been completely honest with him in the first place. Steve hated himself a little more every time he thought about how much he’d harmed the one he cared most about. 

Bucky and Peggy both deserved better and he knew that they knew it just as well as he did.

-

When Bucky finally returned to his apartment after a week he found Steve standing outside the building. His first instinct was to run back to Pietro but instead of doing that he walked right by the man and went inside. Steve followed him in and neither of them said a word as they got into the elevator, staying silent even as they reached their stop and walked to his apartment. 

Bucky opened the door and let Steve in, moving to the couch and sitting down. He didn’t bother looking at Steve but he could feel the distress and depression radiating off of his entire body, a deep sadness in him that rivaled even his own. “I’ve missed you.” Steve broke the silence after ten agonizing minutes. “You haven’t been home for a while.”

“Figured it was better.” 

“Have you been with Quicksilver?” 

“That’s really none of your business.” 

“I’ve been worried.” _Worry about your wife._ “Have you.. have you slept with him?”

“Not your concern.”

“Would you tell me if you actually did?”

“No.” He hated that he felt the urge to reassure Steve and tell him that he hadn’t slept with Pietro just so that the man would feel better. 

“Peggy is in London.” Steve said though he didn’t ask. “She and I are.. we’re kind of taking a break.” 

“You just got married, Steve. You can’t just take a break so soon.”

“We’re trying to figure out if this marriage was the right thing to do.” 

“Are you thinking about getting a divorce?” he asked without really thinking. 

“The world’s shortest marriage,” Steve said softly. “A month and change and we’re already on the rocks. But I think we were already in a rough patch before that.”

“I suggest that you go back to her and try to work things out. You’re right for each other and I don’t think that you should let things slip away so easily.” 

“I love you.” Bucky closed his eyes tightly for a second and clenched his teeth as the pain swallowed him. “I love you Bucky and that isn’t going to change.”

“You keep making mistake after mistake and you expect me to clean things up for you. That isn’t going to happen anymore.” Bucky tried his hardest to sound strong and resolute.

“Are you giving up on me?” 

“If I had any respect for myself I would’ve abandoned you a very long time ago.” Steve smiled a little and his heart raced against his wishes. 

“I came here thinking that we could talk things out like adults but now that I’ve laid eyes on you.. I don’t know how I thought that was possible.” 

“Don’t try to sweet talk me.”

“You’re gorgeous, Bucky, and I’m in love with you.” Before he knew what was going on Steve was kissing him. In his kiss he found all of the confusion and heartbreak that he’d expected but ignored it all. He knew that Steve wasn’t going to leave Peggy because the other person never ended up with the one they loved but he could pretend– he had always been good at pretending. 

“I love you,” Steve whispered into his mouth. “I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone else.” 

“I missed you,” he found himself admitting. “I missed you Steve.”

“Don’t throw me away yet. I know that I deserve to be punished but I’m going to try my best to be the one you need. I’m going to make up for everything that I’ve done.”

“The past is the past.” 

“Do you mean that?” It was impossible for him to mean that but god did he want to. 

“Touch me.” Bucky begged. “Touch me, show me that you mean it.” Steve nodded and dropped to his knees. 

Bucky gasped and leaned his head back, overcome with pleasure and something close to happiness. He needed to touch Steve back in order to prove to himself that Steve was really there and not with Peggy. It was awful that he'd encouraged Steve to cheat for so long but he couldn't stop. He loved him too much to let him go even though he knew very well that he should have a long time ago. He was weak when it came to Steve and could never deny him anything, especially when it was something he wanted too. 

“Steve,” Bucky choked on a sob and covered his face, “stop.” Steve pulled off immediately and Bucky started to weep. He didn't know if it was sadness or joy that was making him feel so unstable. 

“I'm leaving her, Buck.” Steve said and held him close. Bucky couldn't believe him, wouldn't get his hopes us over something so cruel. “I'm leaving her.”

“Don’t do this to me,” he whispered. “Don't come back here and act like I'm your world. Not when it's a lie.” 

“It's not a lie.” 

“Steve, I've never been your world and I've never expected to be. That won't change and neither will you.” Bucky shook his head and wiped at his eyes. “You know you're gonna end up going back.”

“I'm not.” Steve sounded so sure of it that he almost made Bucky believe him. “I'm here where I belong.”

“I want you to go back.” Bucky said, lying through his teeth. “You love her and she's right for you. We've both screwed her over and she doesn't deserve it.”

“What'll make you let me back in? I'm willing to do anything.” 

“Steve, I just, I shouldn't have done this. Being this kind of person isn't me; I'm not a dirty secret.”

“Of course you're not.” Steve said and rubbed his back. “You're everything to me.*

“M’trying to make this right. Why won't you let me?” Bucky asked tiredly. Steve wasn't willing to give him an inch.

“Because you and I? That's the only thing that's right. It should've been us from the start.” 

“It's a little late to realize that, Steve.” Steve shrugged.

“I've always been a late bloomer.” It was true; before puberty Steve was a tiny, sick little boy. He had countless health issues and barely survived the first few years. Sometimes Bucky couldn't believe how much Steve had changed, how they both did. 

“You’re gonna break my heart again.” Bucky hated himself for welcoming it. “That's how this'll end.”

“Look on the bright side for once. For me.” Steve pleaded. What wouldn't Bucky do for Steve? He had given him everything he had, how could he ask for more? 

“There's no bright side. We're doing something horrible and we're bad people because of it.”

“Please don't say that. I know I'm doing this because I'm selfish, but I don't wanna face it right now. Not here.” 

Bucky nodded, completely spent and not willing to fight any longer. 

“Okay.” He brought Steve into the bedroom and laid down, tucking himself back into his pants. He was uncomfortable but didn't care in the slightest. Steve laid down beside him and curled himself around Bucky, ear pressed to his chest so he could hear the steady beat of his heart. 

“I missed you so much,” Steve murmured. “I've been so stupid.”

“You're an idiot,” Bucky said and made Steve laugh brokenly.

“Yeah, you're right.”

“I normally am.” There was still a horrible gnawing feeling inside of him that continued to build every second. He had wronged Peggy and gotten away with it when he should've been punished. He wanted to find her and her how sorry he was, he wanted to make things right. But that would involve coming face to face with his mistakes and possibly giving Steve up. He was too much of a coward to do anything like that. 

“What're you thinking about?” Steve asked and kissed Bucky's chest. Bucky ran his fingers through Steve's hair and shook his head. “Come on, Buck. Tell me.”

“I just wish we hadn't done this in such a fucked up way. We hurt Peggy and started a relationship that was one big secret. I– god Steve, I've loved you for so long. I always dreamed that you'd tell me you loved me too and we’d end up together, happy. Then you moved and I chickened out and you got engaged. You know this is wrong.” Steve sighed.

“The way we did this is wrong but us? It's finally right. Being with Peggy was… I don't know but it wasn't as good as this is.” Bucky closed his eyes tightly. “I shouldn't have ever left you.”

“I know you want me to quit my job,” Bucky said carefully, “but I'm not going to.”

“Why not?”

“I've been providing for myself without any help, Steve. It pays well and it's a family there.”

“You're not on your own anymore.” Steve sounded incredibly sad. “I'm here, Bucky. I have a job that'll provide for us. You can even go back to school.” 

“Please don't.” Bucky fought to keep his voice even. “I don't want to go back.”

“You can do so much with yourself if you just try.” Bucky flinched and sat up. 

“You're judging me already? You've been here for less than a day and you're already doing this?” He tried to disguise just how hurt he was. “I can't do this shit.”

“I'm not trying to upset you. I just want you to be happy and I know you're not happy there.” 

“Who says I'd be happy doing anything else? I hated being in school because it was crap and I was alone and not smart enough. I hated everything about it and you didn't even know. You didn't know shit about how unhappy I was.” Bucky closed his eyes. “You don't understand. You had someone who loved you and a good job- I had no one. You barely spoke to me and I have no family. I was alone and scared and I couldn't handle it. Sometimes I woke up and I couldn't fucking breathe.” Steve sat up and turned to face him.

“Please tell me you didn't… do anything to yourself.” Steve sounded hurt and frightened. Bucky wished that he could reassure him but he couldn't because it would be a lie. Steve had lied to him many times and yet he couldn't return the favour. “Please.”

“There was... I drank vodka and took sleeping pills, woke up at the hospital. They had to flush my stomach because I took so many.” Bucky swallowed. “I rented a car, locked the doors, shut the windows, and left the engine running. I did something wrong and whatever was supposed to happen didn't.” Steve wrapped himself around Bucky and pulled him back down. Bucky let himself settle against Steve’s chest but refused to cry. He couldn't cry about his past mistakes, there was no use. 

“I'm sorry, Buck. I'm so sorry.” Steve cried. “I never should've left you. I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway and you… I didn't even know. You would've been gone and I wouldn't have known.” 

“I'm here though. That's what matters; I didn't die.”

“But you could've and then what?” Steve held him tighter. “Then, then…” Bucky hated the raw anguish in his voice. He was long since past the horror that went along with those attempts but because Steve hadn’t known, it was like it had all happened that day. “I love you so much, Buck. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you but I'm here now. I'm here.” Much to his surprise, that was what broke him. Steve was there and finally saw him, finally loved him back. Bucky choked on a sob and buried his face in Steve’s shoulder. “I love you.” Steve whispered and rubbed his back. “I'm gonna treat you right. I'll be better, Bucky. I swear I'll be better.” For once he allowed himself to believe in Steve.

-

Peggy and Steve filed for a divorce a week later and Steve started the process of moving his things to Brooklyn. Bucky’s apartment was small but he refused to move, so Steve took it upon himself to leave most of his stuff in storage. He had already made Bucky concede to many things and moving wasn't necessary anyway. 

Bucky did allow him to bring some of his good furniture there and buy other things; he brought a comfortable couch, a nice tv, a dresser, and bought a brand new bed. He subtly bought Bucky a few bags of new clothes as well as better blankets and sheets. He wanted to take care of him and because Bucky didn't want to let him do so completely he had to work carefully. Bucky noticed it all immediately but didn't mention it.

Two weeks after the divorce was filed, Steve found out that Peggy was going to be taking him to court to settle things. Despite her parents' insistence on a prenup they hadn't gone through with it; now they've decided to make things even and divide their property fairly. “Peggy’s parents are kind of assholes.” Steve said and ran his fingers through Bucky’s hair. He wanted to tell Bucky about everything as gently as possible because his guilt would set in fast and he needed Bucky to know that going to court wasn't really his fault. “They want us to go to court.” Bucky stiffened and lifted his head off of Steve’s thighs to sit up. 

“To divide stuff up or to work things out?” Bucky sounded unhappy about either option.

“Divide stuff up. It's not like we have much shared property and each of us made our own money during the time we were married. We kept it in separate accounts too.” Steve sighed. “They're just doing it so that they can make me suffer.” Bucky started to chew on his lip and Steve put his finger on his mouth so that he would bite that instead. Bucky pulled away and frowned at him.

“What're you doing?” 

“You're gonna make yourself bleed.” He said calmly and Bucky’s frown deepened.

“It’s better that you bleed instead?” He asked and Steve almost nodded. He didn't want Bucky to know what he'd do to make things right with him. “You're ridiculous.”

“I'm gonna get this taken care of as soon as possible.” Steve said and knocked his shoulder against Bucky’s. “Then everything'll be fine.”

“Mm.” Steve knew that Bucky doubted him and really didn’t blame him for it. He hadn't done much to inspire confidence. 

“Bucky?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for being here with me through this.”

Bucky scoffed, “You’re living in my house, where else would I be?” 

It was a bad joke but the only thing Bucky could think to say. Of course he could’ve left Steve all by himself and moved on, it was what he should’ve done, but he never would. Where there was Steve there had to be Bucky; it was always that way and it didn’t seem like that would change anytime soon. 

Steve smiled at him, his smile like sunshine, and Bucky tried to remember better times than these. It was difficult but if he squinted hard enough, he could see who they used to be. 

“I love you so much you dumbass,” Steve said. 

Love was an ache so deep you felt it all the way to your core. It was a stab wound in the gut, the knife twisting and scarring you with it. It was a fucked up beast of a thing that couldn’t be righted even though it was so, so wrong. 

“I love you too,” Bucky said, then closed his eyes and pretended he was somewhere else. It was nicer there, away from the pain of it all. 

_I’m sorry Peggy,_ he thought to himself. He truly was sorry for everything that had happened. As atonement for his sin, he decided something then and there. He would never sing again, let the last song he ever sung be the one that stole Steve away and broke his own heart. 

Fate had a funny way of handling things; he could appreciate the sick humour of it, at least.

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: steve shames bucky for being a sex worker, violence happens in the form of a physical confrontation between them, cheating happens multiple times, consent is murky because of conflicting emotions, mentions of past assault and past suicide attempts mentioned
> 
> I hope everyone enjoys this as much as can be! Feel free to follow me on tumblr and leave me asks, I love interacting and I'm trying to be more active on there. Thank you for reading and comments and kudos are so appreciated <3
> 
> my tumblr is [@fuckyfarnes](https://fuckyfarnes.tumblr.com/)


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